Dumbing way too far down

Waiting for a flight at London City, with BBC breakfast news on the wall.
Anchor man is interviewing disabled man hobbling around marathon course on crutches...
"You are covering about 2 miles a day, and the course is about 26 miles. How many days will it take you to finish?"

Business Class Update

For those of you like Polly who want to keep up to date on what is happening at the front end of our aircraft... Had to fly economy back from Stockholm last week as it was internal training so couldnt bill it to one of our lucky customers. And i missed the chance to sit between Nick Beggs and Kim Smith. Let me take you back to the departure lounge... everyone else had booked on the 4pm flight, but being a company boy i booked on the 6.15. Sat drinking my 3rd coffee when they announce boarding from my row back. So i trundle over to the back of the line where i stand behind a group of guys wearing sunglasses. Not essential, thinks I, and ignores them. And then you notice the cowboy boots. And flat caps. And bizarre facial hair arrangements. And very expensive baggage. Drug dealers, you think. Maybe backing band for someone like Phil Collins or David Hasselhoff. And you think no more of it. Then at the other end you stand behind them again at passports. And they have added a dumpy little blonde to their number. She is about 50, hair has been bleached far too often, and you can tell she was once cute and dirty, now just looks a bit messy and dirty. 5 foot nothing, and squeezed into a black and diamond short thing, with leggings and boots. Signs of money. Probably designer clothing. Its Kim Wilde. God, it is as well! So i play it cool, thinking the backing band look like a bunch of idiots, dont want to be associated with them. And then as i wait at the baggage claim, off come all the hard cases with KAJAGOOGOO stamped on the side. I trawl my bag over to customer services (for the 4th damaged bag this year) and there beside me is the mighty Nick Beggs (use Wikipedia, i had to) complaining that his case has been scratched and bumped.

I like to think that it was that sitar / guitar thing that was in the case he damaged...

St George's Day

Britain is great, and here is why.
The Newspapers.
BBC.
Football.
The South Downs.
Drinking water.
Jade is dead.
Bluebells.
Animal rights.
The language.
The freedom to shout at policeman.
The fact that people who shout at policemen are arrested.
The fact that people who are arrested for shouting at policemen are generally not killed in secret.
Cakes.
Spring evenings with the orange sunlight, swarms of midges and children playing.
Castles.
Vimto and marmite.
Terriers. One for each village north of Rutland.
Rivers. Riverside pubs. Watching dogs shake themselves as they climb out. Barges. Locks. Ok, canals as well then.
London Brick Company.
Chimney sweeps.
Roses.
Stephen Fry.
Chips.
The London Underground. Go on then, you build it better.
May Bank Holidays.
Oak trees.
Driving on the left.
Proper shoes.
Stags at bay.
Regional accents. Especially funny ones you cant understand. And Brummie.
History. Real proper, we started it, we were there, we did it history, Not American wham bam now you're history.
Mark Steel.
The Beatles. The Stones. Led Zeppelin. Queen. The Smiths. Radiohead, Ooberman. It could all only have been British, and it was, and it changed the world.
The NHS. If you want to criticise it, first get operated on in the Sub-Saharan African country of your choice - any one beginning with Democratic Republic of.
Shakespeare. You dont have to read the stuff, just appreciate that he wrote the book.
Funiculars.
Cadburys.
Being able to buy anything, absolutely anything, at an affordable price in Tesco. It may be bad for so many reasons, but for me and you its brilliant.
We dont use phrases like "leverage the economic opportunity to maximise the customer service advantage." Or "EBITDA 1Q over 1Q is 47.5% better YOY… Revenue was 1% below plan. Net /net we are well ahead of plan." Both in recent emails from my American boss.
The Houses of Parliament. Ok it doesnt work this year, but the building, the green benches, the position of speaker, the tradition, the history, the meaning behind it all...
English Beer. Spitfire. Old Speckled Hen. 6X. Fursty Ferret.
We are the transport hub of the world. Heathrow really is the centre of the planet.
Meadows, with daisies and bunny rabbits.
Cheese. Wensleydale, Caerphilly, Cheddar, Stilton....


We can all be negative, we can all write a longer list of things that are wrong. But I say stand tall for England, King Harry and St George. Lets celebrate this great nation, just for a day, No comparisons to any one else, no exclusion of anyone who happens to be here on this day. Lets just celebrate that we live in the most historic nation on earth, and speak the most beautiful glorious language there is.
Rule Britannia.

Gawd Bless

You can say what you like about the Queen, and she wont punch you in the face. That is one of her endearing qualities. Seriously though, i have no idea how she has reached the age of 83 without smacking some idiot with a mace or whatever she carries around. Ma'am this, ma'am that, fresh paint, no one else ever in the toilet, and she has reigned through the Swinging Sixties, the power strikes, Duran Duran, Eastenders, Blair and his wars... and then she had to put up with the public baying for action when the moistened wastrel Diana finally went to the great free yacht holiday in the sky... SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO WEEP LIKE YOU IN THE STREET - SHE'S THE BLOODY QUEEN!!! And the death of Jade showed us just how measured and accurate those weeping harpies were... And she has had to live with Philip alongside her for over 60 years - there must have been a moment when they got home after he told the factory workers "looks like it was built by Indians" that she wanted to boff him with a corgi... But anyway, my point is, the bloody Queen. She is truly marvelous. I will never see a monarch like her again in my lifetime. If Charles takes over in 5 years he will be nearly 70 so wont be on the throne for more than 20 years, by which time i will be 60 ish. So Wills would have to reign until i was about 107 to last as long in my lifetime as Liz. But anyway, the point is, the Queen. Wonderful woman. ANd yesterday was her birthday, and tomorrow is St George's Day, And i just wanted to say to The Independent "SHAME ON YOU." How we laughed when they employed the Private Eye method of reporting royal stories - "Duchess has baby, bear takes Andrex to woods" type thing... But yesterday they shamed themselves. I searched the paper in vain.. and then in small type... in the area normally reserved for celebs, retired naval colonels and "author of definitive guide to Polynesian fungi and butterflies" type people, well there it sat.
BIRTHDAYS
The Queen, 83.

Ah let's patronise the little people...

Bless!
Malta departures lounge, Hard Rock Cafe...
You normally expect thongs worn by Madonna, Prince's discarded stewardesses or Bruce's gee-tar.
Its a bit smaller here in Malta....
Melissa Etheridge and Hootie and the Blowfish have signed guitars, and there is a glass case just for a pair of shoes apparently worn by the late John Entwistle, he of The Who.

Room Service

Back in Malta and staying in the trendy little Juliani...
Been in the room 10 minutes and there is a knock at the door...
Open it to find a cute young girls standing there with a smile....
She reaches out... and she is holding a big jar of Lindt chocolates!
"Chocolate, Sir?"
"Yes please!!"
"Take another one.." and with a smile she is gone.
Hotels take note - that is the way to welcome guests. Forget all this 3 day pass to the gym, 10% off the Sushi restaurant or free shower caps :)

If I Could be for an only an hour... cute... in a stupid ass way!

Hope you all spotted the title was the catchy line from Jacques Brel's "Jackie"...
So who cares whether Mr Smith watched porn, Oceans 13 or the Teletubbies. Claiming for it was the wrongness.
And Ms Smith's defence - "I will carry on doing my job because people are not interested in this tittle-tattle" or something similar.
And last week, when it was exposed she had claimed £116,000, effectively by staying with her sister during the week: "The electorate are not concerned by this party political game...".
Au contraire Jacqui, we are very, very concerned. And that is why I predict not a Labour victory next time out, nor a Tory, not even a Lib Dem / BNP alliance... but I predict the lowest turnout ever in a national election.
And that will be all because the Labour MPs who rode in on a ticket of good honest values, and no more sleaze, have proved themselves more shameful than even the Tory's Fattest Cats.
They have killed democracy in this country.
And a new game to play - what on earth has to happen to get a Labour minister to resign? Say what you like about Mandy, he did the honourable thing twice. Shame it wasnt with a service revolver...
"Locked up inside my opium den, surrounded by some Chinamen, I'd sing the song that i sung then, about the time they called me Jacqui...."

Belated birthday news

Last year the wife bought me 2 tickets to Bruce Springsteen for my birthday.

This year she bought me a monkey.

Gotta love that woman.

http://www.monkeyworld.co.uk/topic.php?TopicID=25&Template=standard

Check out Bryan :)

PS: Pot Noodle

Forgot to add one thing about the Pot Noodle i was served in business class...
The instructions on the lid advise you to add 326ml of hot water.
Does anyone have a foolproof way of measuring exactly 326ml?

Kuala Benait Sunset

Ding Dong - probably the final Jade post on here!

It was reported with much wailing and gnashing of teeth that the "reality tv star" Jade Goody passed during the night.
Apparently her dying wish was to live until this morning so she could get a mother's day hug from her kids.
But she didn't.
For those of you forget quickly, the terms she used in Celebrity Big Brother were "Shilpa Poppadom", "Shilpa Fuckawalla", "Shilpa Pashwa whoever you fucking are", and then laughing at Danielle Lloyd who said "She's a dog They eat with their hands don't they? You don't know where their hands have been. She can't even speak English properly, she should fuck off home." Her reply to Jade's comment about "Shilpa Poppodom."? "That was fucking fantastic, i love it. I think she should fuck off home."
Cue much laughing and sniggering.
She signed up for the London Marathon and "trained" by eating a curry the night before. When interviewed afterwards she said "I don't really understand miles, i didn't actually know how far it was going to be. The most i ever run on the treadmill was half an hour."
She thought Cambridge was part of London, and that East "Angular" was abroad.
Her "husband" is a violent, convicted thug, who i am sure will entertain very soon with his memoirs.
There is some kind of weird irony that the cancer started where it did, but lets not go there.
And now she is dead, which is nice...

Singapore

I may have only been transiting through Singapore, but i had a great time! And i lost my bag on the way...Qantas delivered me half an hour late, so i stepped off (first) from the A380 at 8.28. I got met by a lady on a golf buggy who drove like a demented lunatic through the busiest, longest airport terminal i have ever seen. We started at gate C30ish, and finished at F60. And every letter had 60 gates. And with all those gates you can imagine how many people were around - and we just ploughed down the carpet honking at people and hoping they were going to move... brilliant fun and everyone should give it a go!And then on Silkair, with the tiniest little hosties in their nice little green silk dresses... and one of them wondered up to me in my seat and said in perfect English "Good morning Mr Stewart, can i get you a drink." They could teach those Qantas / BA / American hosties a thing or two in customer service. Throughout the flight every time a hostie walked past, even ones i hadnt seen before, smiled and used my name. Excellent customer service - and i know i'm quick enough to knock it when its bad, so a big thumbs up from me is worth ten from you!And then the crowning glory... bureaucracy had not told them i was veggie. Qantas knew it a few hours earlier, but it hadnt transferred... so two of them put their heads together, disappeared behind the curtain, and came back with a vegetarian pot noodle! Where the hell did they find that at 37,000 feet??? Considering most hosties wander off and bring me back something with fish and purser spit in it i was very impressed. And warm crunchy garlic bread, and a rye bread roll... and the Qantas breakfast had been two slices of cold bread (on the menu it clearly said "toast" and they forgot tea and coffee entirely...)

GENIUS

BECAUSE ALL BUSINESS CLASS FOOD MUST BE SERVED ON DOILIES

So, my new favourite airline, Silkair. My best flight ever? Well, until we landed...We stopped on a taxiway in the middle of nowhere, although there was a marshall waving the old lollipops so we were clearly expected. The only building i could see was the international cargo centre. And then we got a PA which said that everyone had to stay seated while the VIPs got off, as we were at the VIP terminal. Thinking this was for me i rose to get my bag, but was gently lowered back into my seat. And from the back of the aircraft about 20 women in very colourful local dress accompanied by a dozen kids and 300 bags of shopping came barging through. They got off, and a tug then reversed us about 200 yards until we found a lonely air bridge that had been waiting for us. And one of my little hosties then grabbed every economy passenger who had chanced their arm, and marched them back to their seats! At last, something i have wanted to see for years.So Silkair, i love ya!And oh yeah, the A380. Well its a big plane really. For a moment back there i was excited, but up close, and from the inside, i might as well have been on the 777. Plane. Yawn.And because Qantas were late i am now in the priviledged position of being separated from my bag for the 3rd time in 7 weeks. If anyone knows what the record for a calendar year is do please let me know. But again, the mad woman driving me around the airport told me to go to Lost and Found at Bandar and they would collect it from the next flight. Expecting European standards of appalling disinterest and rudeness (yes, thats you TAP and Alitalia) i wandered up to the lost and found desk as commanded, to be waved in by a happy smily chap (with a wild hacking cough) who greeted me with "Mr Stewart?". He filled in the paperwork for me, walked me through customs to find my pickup, explained to him what was going on and that i needed to wait 2 hours, and then recommended the best cafe and where to meet the driver later. I can not stress how well the locals down here have dealt with a problem not of their making, and reinforced all my beliefs that European aviation is doomed - and dont even get me onto European society!Need to talk to the missus and see if we can move to Singapore, just so i can fly Silkair more often.