Dumbing way too far down

Waiting for a flight at London City, with BBC breakfast news on the wall.
Anchor man is interviewing disabled man hobbling around marathon course on crutches...
"You are covering about 2 miles a day, and the course is about 26 miles. How many days will it take you to finish?"

Business Class Update

For those of you like Polly who want to keep up to date on what is happening at the front end of our aircraft... Had to fly economy back from Stockholm last week as it was internal training so couldnt bill it to one of our lucky customers. And i missed the chance to sit between Nick Beggs and Kim Smith. Let me take you back to the departure lounge... everyone else had booked on the 4pm flight, but being a company boy i booked on the 6.15. Sat drinking my 3rd coffee when they announce boarding from my row back. So i trundle over to the back of the line where i stand behind a group of guys wearing sunglasses. Not essential, thinks I, and ignores them. And then you notice the cowboy boots. And flat caps. And bizarre facial hair arrangements. And very expensive baggage. Drug dealers, you think. Maybe backing band for someone like Phil Collins or David Hasselhoff. And you think no more of it. Then at the other end you stand behind them again at passports. And they have added a dumpy little blonde to their number. She is about 50, hair has been bleached far too often, and you can tell she was once cute and dirty, now just looks a bit messy and dirty. 5 foot nothing, and squeezed into a black and diamond short thing, with leggings and boots. Signs of money. Probably designer clothing. Its Kim Wilde. God, it is as well! So i play it cool, thinking the backing band look like a bunch of idiots, dont want to be associated with them. And then as i wait at the baggage claim, off come all the hard cases with KAJAGOOGOO stamped on the side. I trawl my bag over to customer services (for the 4th damaged bag this year) and there beside me is the mighty Nick Beggs (use Wikipedia, i had to) complaining that his case has been scratched and bumped.

I like to think that it was that sitar / guitar thing that was in the case he damaged...

St George's Day

Britain is great, and here is why.
The Newspapers.
BBC.
Football.
The South Downs.
Drinking water.
Jade is dead.
Bluebells.
Animal rights.
The language.
The freedom to shout at policeman.
The fact that people who shout at policemen are arrested.
The fact that people who are arrested for shouting at policemen are generally not killed in secret.
Cakes.
Spring evenings with the orange sunlight, swarms of midges and children playing.
Castles.
Vimto and marmite.
Terriers. One for each village north of Rutland.
Rivers. Riverside pubs. Watching dogs shake themselves as they climb out. Barges. Locks. Ok, canals as well then.
London Brick Company.
Chimney sweeps.
Roses.
Stephen Fry.
Chips.
The London Underground. Go on then, you build it better.
May Bank Holidays.
Oak trees.
Driving on the left.
Proper shoes.
Stags at bay.
Regional accents. Especially funny ones you cant understand. And Brummie.
History. Real proper, we started it, we were there, we did it history, Not American wham bam now you're history.
Mark Steel.
The Beatles. The Stones. Led Zeppelin. Queen. The Smiths. Radiohead, Ooberman. It could all only have been British, and it was, and it changed the world.
The NHS. If you want to criticise it, first get operated on in the Sub-Saharan African country of your choice - any one beginning with Democratic Republic of.
Shakespeare. You dont have to read the stuff, just appreciate that he wrote the book.
Funiculars.
Cadburys.
Being able to buy anything, absolutely anything, at an affordable price in Tesco. It may be bad for so many reasons, but for me and you its brilliant.
We dont use phrases like "leverage the economic opportunity to maximise the customer service advantage." Or "EBITDA 1Q over 1Q is 47.5% better YOY… Revenue was 1% below plan. Net /net we are well ahead of plan." Both in recent emails from my American boss.
The Houses of Parliament. Ok it doesnt work this year, but the building, the green benches, the position of speaker, the tradition, the history, the meaning behind it all...
English Beer. Spitfire. Old Speckled Hen. 6X. Fursty Ferret.
We are the transport hub of the world. Heathrow really is the centre of the planet.
Meadows, with daisies and bunny rabbits.
Cheese. Wensleydale, Caerphilly, Cheddar, Stilton....


We can all be negative, we can all write a longer list of things that are wrong. But I say stand tall for England, King Harry and St George. Lets celebrate this great nation, just for a day, No comparisons to any one else, no exclusion of anyone who happens to be here on this day. Lets just celebrate that we live in the most historic nation on earth, and speak the most beautiful glorious language there is.
Rule Britannia.

Gawd Bless

You can say what you like about the Queen, and she wont punch you in the face. That is one of her endearing qualities. Seriously though, i have no idea how she has reached the age of 83 without smacking some idiot with a mace or whatever she carries around. Ma'am this, ma'am that, fresh paint, no one else ever in the toilet, and she has reigned through the Swinging Sixties, the power strikes, Duran Duran, Eastenders, Blair and his wars... and then she had to put up with the public baying for action when the moistened wastrel Diana finally went to the great free yacht holiday in the sky... SHE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO WEEP LIKE YOU IN THE STREET - SHE'S THE BLOODY QUEEN!!! And the death of Jade showed us just how measured and accurate those weeping harpies were... And she has had to live with Philip alongside her for over 60 years - there must have been a moment when they got home after he told the factory workers "looks like it was built by Indians" that she wanted to boff him with a corgi... But anyway, my point is, the bloody Queen. She is truly marvelous. I will never see a monarch like her again in my lifetime. If Charles takes over in 5 years he will be nearly 70 so wont be on the throne for more than 20 years, by which time i will be 60 ish. So Wills would have to reign until i was about 107 to last as long in my lifetime as Liz. But anyway, the point is, the Queen. Wonderful woman. ANd yesterday was her birthday, and tomorrow is St George's Day, And i just wanted to say to The Independent "SHAME ON YOU." How we laughed when they employed the Private Eye method of reporting royal stories - "Duchess has baby, bear takes Andrex to woods" type thing... But yesterday they shamed themselves. I searched the paper in vain.. and then in small type... in the area normally reserved for celebs, retired naval colonels and "author of definitive guide to Polynesian fungi and butterflies" type people, well there it sat.
BIRTHDAYS
The Queen, 83.

Ah let's patronise the little people...

Bless!
Malta departures lounge, Hard Rock Cafe...
You normally expect thongs worn by Madonna, Prince's discarded stewardesses or Bruce's gee-tar.
Its a bit smaller here in Malta....
Melissa Etheridge and Hootie and the Blowfish have signed guitars, and there is a glass case just for a pair of shoes apparently worn by the late John Entwistle, he of The Who.

Room Service

Back in Malta and staying in the trendy little Juliani...
Been in the room 10 minutes and there is a knock at the door...
Open it to find a cute young girls standing there with a smile....
She reaches out... and she is holding a big jar of Lindt chocolates!
"Chocolate, Sir?"
"Yes please!!"
"Take another one.." and with a smile she is gone.
Hotels take note - that is the way to welcome guests. Forget all this 3 day pass to the gym, 10% off the Sushi restaurant or free shower caps :)