Monday 30 March 2009

If I Could be for an only an hour... cute... in a stupid ass way!

Hope you all spotted the title was the catchy line from Jacques Brel's "Jackie"...
So who cares whether Mr Smith watched porn, Oceans 13 or the Teletubbies. Claiming for it was the wrongness.
And Ms Smith's defence - "I will carry on doing my job because people are not interested in this tittle-tattle" or something similar.
And last week, when it was exposed she had claimed £116,000, effectively by staying with her sister during the week: "The electorate are not concerned by this party political game...".
Au contraire Jacqui, we are very, very concerned. And that is why I predict not a Labour victory next time out, nor a Tory, not even a Lib Dem / BNP alliance... but I predict the lowest turnout ever in a national election.
And that will be all because the Labour MPs who rode in on a ticket of good honest values, and no more sleaze, have proved themselves more shameful than even the Tory's Fattest Cats.
They have killed democracy in this country.
And a new game to play - what on earth has to happen to get a Labour minister to resign? Say what you like about Mandy, he did the honourable thing twice. Shame it wasnt with a service revolver...
"Locked up inside my opium den, surrounded by some Chinamen, I'd sing the song that i sung then, about the time they called me Jacqui...."

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Belated birthday news

Last year the wife bought me 2 tickets to Bruce Springsteen for my birthday.

This year she bought me a monkey.

Gotta love that woman.

http://www.monkeyworld.co.uk/topic.php?TopicID=25&Template=standard

Check out Bryan :)

Monday 23 March 2009

PS: Pot Noodle

Forgot to add one thing about the Pot Noodle i was served in business class...
The instructions on the lid advise you to add 326ml of hot water.
Does anyone have a foolproof way of measuring exactly 326ml?

Kuala Benait Sunset


Sunday 22 March 2009

Ding Dong - probably the final Jade post on here!

It was reported with much wailing and gnashing of teeth that the "reality tv star" Jade Goody passed during the night.
Apparently her dying wish was to live until this morning so she could get a mother's day hug from her kids.
But she didn't.
For those of you forget quickly, the terms she used in Celebrity Big Brother were "Shilpa Poppadom", "Shilpa Fuckawalla", "Shilpa Pashwa whoever you fucking are", and then laughing at Danielle Lloyd who said "She's a dog They eat with their hands don't they? You don't know where their hands have been. She can't even speak English properly, she should fuck off home." Her reply to Jade's comment about "Shilpa Poppodom."? "That was fucking fantastic, i love it. I think she should fuck off home."
Cue much laughing and sniggering.
She signed up for the London Marathon and "trained" by eating a curry the night before. When interviewed afterwards she said "I don't really understand miles, i didn't actually know how far it was going to be. The most i ever run on the treadmill was half an hour."
She thought Cambridge was part of London, and that East "Angular" was abroad.
Her "husband" is a violent, convicted thug, who i am sure will entertain very soon with his memoirs.
There is some kind of weird irony that the cancer started where it did, but lets not go there.
And now she is dead, which is nice...

Monday 16 March 2009

Singapore

I may have only been transiting through Singapore, but i had a great time! And i lost my bag on the way...Qantas delivered me half an hour late, so i stepped off (first) from the A380 at 8.28. I got met by a lady on a golf buggy who drove like a demented lunatic through the busiest, longest airport terminal i have ever seen. We started at gate C30ish, and finished at F60. And every letter had 60 gates. And with all those gates you can imagine how many people were around - and we just ploughed down the carpet honking at people and hoping they were going to move... brilliant fun and everyone should give it a go!And then on Silkair, with the tiniest little hosties in their nice little green silk dresses... and one of them wondered up to me in my seat and said in perfect English "Good morning Mr Stewart, can i get you a drink." They could teach those Qantas / BA / American hosties a thing or two in customer service. Throughout the flight every time a hostie walked past, even ones i hadnt seen before, smiled and used my name. Excellent customer service - and i know i'm quick enough to knock it when its bad, so a big thumbs up from me is worth ten from you!And then the crowning glory... bureaucracy had not told them i was veggie. Qantas knew it a few hours earlier, but it hadnt transferred... so two of them put their heads together, disappeared behind the curtain, and came back with a vegetarian pot noodle! Where the hell did they find that at 37,000 feet??? Considering most hosties wander off and bring me back something with fish and purser spit in it i was very impressed. And warm crunchy garlic bread, and a rye bread roll... and the Qantas breakfast had been two slices of cold bread (on the menu it clearly said "toast" and they forgot tea and coffee entirely...)



GENIUS

BECAUSE ALL BUSINESS CLASS FOOD MUST BE SERVED ON DOILIES

So, my new favourite airline, Silkair. My best flight ever? Well, until we landed...We stopped on a taxiway in the middle of nowhere, although there was a marshall waving the old lollipops so we were clearly expected. The only building i could see was the international cargo centre. And then we got a PA which said that everyone had to stay seated while the VIPs got off, as we were at the VIP terminal. Thinking this was for me i rose to get my bag, but was gently lowered back into my seat. And from the back of the aircraft about 20 women in very colourful local dress accompanied by a dozen kids and 300 bags of shopping came barging through. They got off, and a tug then reversed us about 200 yards until we found a lonely air bridge that had been waiting for us. And one of my little hosties then grabbed every economy passenger who had chanced their arm, and marched them back to their seats! At last, something i have wanted to see for years.So Silkair, i love ya!And oh yeah, the A380. Well its a big plane really. For a moment back there i was excited, but up close, and from the inside, i might as well have been on the 777. Plane. Yawn.And because Qantas were late i am now in the priviledged position of being separated from my bag for the 3rd time in 7 weeks. If anyone knows what the record for a calendar year is do please let me know. But again, the mad woman driving me around the airport told me to go to Lost and Found at Bandar and they would collect it from the next flight. Expecting European standards of appalling disinterest and rudeness (yes, thats you TAP and Alitalia) i wandered up to the lost and found desk as commanded, to be waved in by a happy smily chap (with a wild hacking cough) who greeted me with "Mr Stewart?". He filled in the paperwork for me, walked me through customs to find my pickup, explained to him what was going on and that i needed to wait 2 hours, and then recommended the best cafe and where to meet the driver later. I can not stress how well the locals down here have dealt with a problem not of their making, and reinforced all my beliefs that European aviation is doomed - and dont even get me onto European society!Need to talk to the missus and see if we can move to Singapore, just so i can fly Silkair more often.

Thursday 12 March 2009

Comic Soddin Relief

I know i am a miserable old bugger who wees in the milk of human kindness, and laughs at stories of 10 year old girls having their heads bitten off by crocodiles "larger than buses" (ie 40 feet long, 14 foot high and about 10 foot across, weighing around 6 tons - nicely researched Mr Sun Journalist :) )....
So you have probably guessed by now that this is not a piece that is going to include the words "give" and "generously" very close to each other.
I object to the BBC being involved in this. They are not just reporting on it, they are actually giving over many, many hours of TV and radio airtime, and giving their presenters and stars' time all over the place. Radio5 have people in Kenya, Radio1 sent some idiots up Kilimanjaro, the BBC keeps showing us pictures of dying children (which i have learnt are not funny, apparently).
The BBC is funded by taxpayers' money. These celebs are paid from the public purse. How can the BBC refuse to show an appeal for Gaza, but then say we should raise money for a school in Sudan, where the president has just been accused of genocide?
And i dont want to wear a bloody red nose and do something "funny." Wearing pyjamas to school, sitting in custard, getting your head shaved - its just not funny. I dont have spare cash - i have bills to pay, dogs to feed and Costa Coffee refuse to give away free coffee. I have worked hard for 20 years, paid my debts, paid my bills, and when i need a spare 20 quid no one knocks on my door.
Aid doesnt help these people. Since WW2 we have sent over 60,000,000,000 pounds to Africa in aid. (Not just the UK, dont be silly). And we have not spent it wisely. It doesnt matter what we do, the governments have wasted it all. Its not racist to call someone incompetent, and unfortunately that is what the vast majority of African leaders have been. When we started this, 10% of Africans lived in poverty. Today, 70% do. That means the situation is 700% worse.
There is no point sending kids to school - there wont be any jobs for them when they finish. And that is why there is poverty. We have not developed their economies, we have not spent the money investing in infrastructure, in creating wealth. Why are China, India, Indonesia, South America all doing so much better than Africa? Because central governments have planned for the future, they havent just squabbled with their neighbours about diamonds and who should get the bags of rice. This is a massive failing of the World Bank, the UN, the US and UK and all the other huge global organisations who are run by the rich Western countries who quite like the status quo. One day the Americans will work out that there are a billion potential customers in Africa, and then copy the Chinese who are all over the continent building roads, bridges, railways, hotels - investing in infrastructure.
So if it makes you feel better to buy a red nose and act like an idiot, do it. But please dont think you're really helping.
The West could put clean drinking water into every African village tomorrow if it wanted to. Just think of the numbers.
The banks just got 700,000,000,000 pounds
Comic Relief collects 30,000,000 pounds.
Put your money back into your own family, and vote for the party that promises to put water into every village. Then you would have made a change.
But then you wont get your own name read out on the radio, or maybe even on telly. So you wont...

Thanks Jonny Mac, for making me read the Sun

Its brilliant! I forgot how much fun you can have!


Today's best story - undoubtedly the man who had his bits chewed on by a horse. Perhaps one of the best photos ever used to illustrate a news story...




http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2315461.ece

Also, a lesson for me on where to draw the line. Apparently a horse biting off a man's meat and two veg is a humorous story (after all, he was a foreigner), where as the story of a crocodile who bit a 10 year old girl's head clean off is treated as a human tragedy. Sounds quite similar to me. Interestingly they dont say whether the girl survived, just that they found a headless body 3 days later...

And then we get Jose Mourinho accused of punching a Man Utd fan who was apparently chanting abusive words at him. Picture the scene - he was leaving the ground, heading for the team bus, to take him to the airport back to Italy where he lives.
What was the fan singing???
"You're going home." Ok, he repeated it twice, but how on earth is that anything other than a factual comment on the current activity of the Special One?

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article2315266.ece

And finally, my current bete noire... does anyone else remember the words "Jade's last interview, now she wants privacy and to die in peace..."

No? Just me then... I got told that saying "good riddance, Jade" was controversial. How does "Just die already???" score on the scale? Just because someone has a bad disease, does not mean they are a good person...

Tuesday 10 March 2009

Thats what i've been trying to say...

Matthew Parris in Saturday's Times:
"We didn't elect the government to manage the house, but to build the house."
Exactly. All this politics of reaction, trying to answer what the other bloke said, before he says it, press releases read out on Today to tell us what a minister will say at lunch time so that the opposition can rubbish it before he says it, all the reacting to whatever is in the paper that morning, the prime minister making comments on Come Dancing or the X Factor...
Every politician today is so obsessed with the spin, the look, the message... I yearn for the days when the government were identikit men in suits who you never heard of because they were taking 3 years to set up the NHS. Can you imagine Bevan, McMillan, Churchill putting out press statements at 7am to say that later that day they would visit a school to ask pupils if they had any idea how to incorporate mobile phone voting into the Bank bailout plan?
A man in a suit would have read out a short statement saying "I have just invented the Social Security system, please visit your town hall for more details." And bloody good it would have been too.... Am i getting old?
ps Can you imagine Churchill and Chamberlain appearing on the radio at all at 10 past 8 to argue via John Humphrys about the merits of being nice to that Mr Hitler chap... and being told, with respect, that they were an absolute nincompoop, and could they please answer the question...

Friday 6 March 2009

Myners - its not technically illegal....

So, Lord Myners worked as a director in banking.
His bank were bought by Natwest.
Natwest were then bought by RBS.
He stepped down, i think before Fred Goodwin became CEO, but they would have been aware of each other.
Years later, he gets to decide whether Fred Goodwin gets a huge pension and pay out.
As he has said, its not illegal, and as they never directly worked for or with each other, its not technically a conflict of interest.
But, it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and to the uneducated man in the street, sure as hell looks like a duck. Calling it a drake doesnt make it ok.
Dont forget, as per Mandy, Myners is unelected. At least he doesnt draw a government salary. And after all why should he, as in the last year he started collecting his generous pension from...er.. well after all the takeovers it would be from RBS... so that's us then...
Quack.

No trifling matter

Leila Deen, I salute you.

Tuesday 3 March 2009

Southend United - memories of the worst team ever...

The Carling Cup final is not normally something that makes one think of the Shrimpers, but this weekend something was reported that made me very nearly spit my large extra hot skinny mocha all over the back page of the Times... Man Utd's goalkeeping coach is one Mr Eric Steele. Amongst his history is one season as the worst goalkeeper Southend United ever had.
Let me take you back to the summer of 1987. Dave Webb the ex Chelsea star who had shown great promise as a manager had stormed out, and after appointing Paul Clark as caretaker the chairman, Vic Jobson, PBUH, appointed Dick Bate as manager. The season started with two average 2-2 draws to keep us guessing which way the season was going to go... and then started a run of 6 consecutive defeats. And they weren't 1-0. 8-1 Gillingham stuffed us. I know, i went to Kent and counted each one of them... And our goal was an own goal so you could call it 9-0. Then 2-1, then 6-2 to Notts County, and a 3-2, 4-1 and 1-0. Eight games into the season, and 28 goals conceded. All past Eric Steele. And then Dick Bate got sacked, and effectively the same team beat top division Derby 1-0 in the League (now Carling) Cup. Roy McDonough scored the winner and the local paper headlined it Roy Boy's Derby Joy. Those amongst you in the know will remember Roy McDonough as the man who holds the English league record for red cards, with something like 14 in his years at Southend and Colchester. (A man i fondly remember knocking out a Newport defender with a beautiful right hander in the 6th minute of an FA Cup game - he didnt even look for the referee but strode majestically straight off the pitch and down the tunnel.)
A few weeks later they did share a 7 goal thriller at Sunderland (attendance about 12,000 in those days) - we scored none of them...
We finished the season winning 7 of our last 10 games, including the last one 4-0 against Blackpool when defeat would have relegated us instead of Rotherham. So i remember Dick and Eric as the biggest clowns in one of the most eventful seasons at the Hall. Dick went on to be England U19 manager before another ex Shrimpers boss Peter Taylor took over. How Eric got to be a goalkeeping coach anywhere is a miracle, but at Old Trafford????


My thanks to statto.com for confirming my worst memories....
And no thanks to ericsteelecoachingservices.co.uk which was last updated about 4 years ago...

Sunday 1 March 2009

Children

I have the most enormous sympathy for David Cameron. To lose a child under any circumstances is appalling, and by all accounts little Ivan was a splendidly happy chap. He has my heartfelt sympathy.
But the idea that government should stop for 30 minutes is ridiculous, and another example of the country going mad. Previous prime ministers who served the country for decades have died and there have been murmurs of sorrow, expressions of thanks, and the country carries on. We are fighting 2 wars, we are in the middle of the greatest economic crisis of our lives, the world is going to hell in a handcart (whatever that means) and we stopped the government because an MP's child died. That was wrong, but i know that if there was an X-Factor style vote for the public that is exactly the kind of gesture that most people on this sad little island would have voted for. I'm glad i'm different/

And on a funnier note.... Jade said in one of her private moments shared by 18 journalists, that she was wondering how to tell her kids that she was dying. They are 5 and 6 - surely they can read by now? Surely they have noticed the media circus? Mum losing her hair? Mum's face on every magazine and newspaper? At school??? And looking at her Wikipedia page (wanted to check the kids' ages) it says she has had a relationship with footballer Ryan Amoo. Yes him. No, me neither - but he has his own wikipedia page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryan_Amoo) - surely the least successful footballer ever to get his own webpage. He plays for Barwell for God's sake...

Oh Mandy, you came and you gave without taking...

The arrogance of Peter Mandelson...
He accuses the unions of "scare tactics", and tells them this will cost them their jobs, and be the end of the Royal Mail unless they do what he says. And if Labour MPs do not support him then they will lose the next election.
Has he no sense of irony at all???? And how exactly has this man had so many powerful jobs???