New Forest Sanctuary

Your humble correspondent has gone under cover, and in order to bring you knowledge he has disguised himself as a resident at a health spa.
Its one of those places that women go dewey eyed over. Its a nice hotel, quaint old manor building in a cute little New Forest village, but attached to it is a modern eyesore - a bizarre mix of concrete, glass and bamboo - which claims to be an authentic Thai spa. http://www.careysmanor.com/
So what happens in this strange feminine world, where everyone strolls around in dressing gowns, and small Thai ladies in little black suits are probably the most genuinely happy and friendly people you have ever met - and all are keen to get your trousers off and rub in some strange smelling unction... We have been here 3 days now and it still makes no sense...
You start in the hydrotherapy pool, which to the uneducated eye (moi!) seems like a giant jacuzzi. There are bubble jets which shoot out the wall and hit you in the groin (extremely pleasant i will admit) and bubbles which erupt beneath you. The bubbles seem to attack your shorts which swell up into life jackets and force you onto your back to avoid the most painful of wedgies.... So we move from there to the Arctic Storm shower. Apparently the secret is hot / cold / hot / cold, so we soak ourselves in icey water and wander off in search of the herbal sauna. Hot. Hot hot hot. And why Thyme as a herb? Back to the Atlantic Ocean spray so we can go into the steam room. Quite literally, and i hate that word, a room full of steam. Whoever thought i needed help to sweat was alas much mistaken. But sweat i do, and from there its in to the Caribbean Rain shower. I have no idea what the difference between all these geographical showers is supposed to be - they are all just cold water! The wife has taken a shine to the ice machine and tipping the bucket of cold water over her head, will update later if there is any noticeable improvement thanks to this technique... Madness i call it.
And then to the one i do like - the Tepidarium. Basically warm benches in a cool room. Which you just have to lay on. And who said being healthy wasnt fun. The hard work done its obviously back to the cold showers, a bit more Giant Jacuzzi and then off to the changing rooms...
The rest area is lovely, all smoothies, gift shop and sofas, but you sign it to the room and slurp the smoothy, and the world seems a long long way away...
You can also get what are referred to as treatments, but are really just ways of getting nice little ladies to paw you with oil. The foot massage was lovely, the blindfold that little touch that made it even more personal. The Swedish massage was wonderful, again the blindfold a great idea, so you have no idea who is tucking your bits back between your legs and leaning over your chest with your arm stuck between her and the bed... And this was booked by my wife??? All very above board apparently, and you get a little card that tells you what the oil was so you can buy it in the gift shop. Searched in vain for the little box to tick for Happy Finish, and little Pao delivered me back to the reception with her honour intact. Very enjoyable, not sure if it was really good for me, but very pleasurable!
So what has your roving reporter discovered then? That he can get a new key by waving one at reception and just saying "Six" (our room number) to a receptionist he has never met. I will be returning next week with a large van and some boxes.
The French restaurant has imported some genuine snotty French waiters. When remarking that the red pepper risotto was in fact a mushroom one, i was told that Chef often changes his mind half way through cooking...
The local tea shop does a cracking cream tea, and is teddy bear themed. To get the waitress' attention, one sits a little teddy on top of a stick on the table. Genius :) And the young girls in little French maid outfits (with blue nail varnish) are always welcome servers.
Christchurch is Basildon on sea with marinas. Thats like putting an Aston Martin garage in Bewbush,
The ponies of the New Forest are cute. They wander everywhere, and most houses have a gate and a cattle grid. They have right of way through the village, and i have never seen so much horse poo.
And most importantly, Southend got a draw at Chelsea. At almost exactly the moment little Pao was oiling my thigh, Peter Clarke was equalising at Stamford Bridge.... some days are better than others...