Peter and Jordan

I apologise for no recent blogs, but the news of Peter Andre and Katie "Jordan" Price splitting has left me devestated.
Coming so soon after the death of Jade, Princess of our Tarts, it has left me short in the heroes and role models department.
Where once I had Diana who could wear really expensive dresses and have her hair done so nicely that she looked like a Princess, now there is only Kate Winslett.
Where i used to dream of being as clever and quick witted as David Beckham, now i dream only of beating Wayne Rooney at Connect 4.
In olden days i could rely on Mariah Carey not doing stairs. I knew that Ben Kingsley would remind me to call him Sir Ben. It was taken as read that Naomi Campbell was chucking phones and in court...
Then Jade died, and although the queue for pies got a lot shorter something inside me was hurting. Even the reforming of Spandau Ballet couldnt ease the pain...
And now this. Now this...
If i can quote from our 3 leading newspaper front pages this morning (and apologies if they are the wrong way round):
The Sun: PETER MUST BE GAY BECAUSE HE WONT SLEEP WITH ME
The Star: PETER: I'M CELIBATE GET ME OUT OF HERE - JORDAN DOESNT WANT SEX
The Other One: JORDAN - TAKE ME BACK I'LL DO ANYTHING.

Please, Peter. Please. For all of us out here who need you. Who need JordAnDre (did you see what i did there?) to be there. Even though you cant hear our silent screams of adulation, know that we love you. We wish you all the best. And we truly wish you get the privacy and peace that you deserve. The thought of 2 teams of publicists signing multi million pound deals without your consent is a horrible thought.

We love you both.

Ding Dong - probably the final Jade post on here!

It was reported with much wailing and gnashing of teeth that the "reality tv star" Jade Goody passed during the night.
Apparently her dying wish was to live until this morning so she could get a mother's day hug from her kids.
But she didn't.
For those of you forget quickly, the terms she used in Celebrity Big Brother were "Shilpa Poppadom", "Shilpa Fuckawalla", "Shilpa Pashwa whoever you fucking are", and then laughing at Danielle Lloyd who said "She's a dog They eat with their hands don't they? You don't know where their hands have been. She can't even speak English properly, she should fuck off home." Her reply to Jade's comment about "Shilpa Poppodom."? "That was fucking fantastic, i love it. I think she should fuck off home."
Cue much laughing and sniggering.
She signed up for the London Marathon and "trained" by eating a curry the night before. When interviewed afterwards she said "I don't really understand miles, i didn't actually know how far it was going to be. The most i ever run on the treadmill was half an hour."
She thought Cambridge was part of London, and that East "Angular" was abroad.
Her "husband" is a violent, convicted thug, who i am sure will entertain very soon with his memoirs.
There is some kind of weird irony that the cancer started where it did, but lets not go there.
And now she is dead, which is nice...

The Quandary of Jade

Big fat loud mouthed idiot who racially abused someone and didn't know East Angular was in Britain... but she is dying so we can't be nasty any more.
Can we?
Ok, maybe not, but lets instead take the mickey out of OK magazine. They paid £700,000 for exclusive rights to her wedding. 30 people turned up to cheer her into the castle (in Essex remember). There were 50 guests, and who was the most high profile celebrity....?
Nick Ross, presenter of Crimewatch. And hubby was allowed to stay out past 7pm (one of the conditions of his probation after serving time for GBH is to be indoors by 7) by special permission of Jack Straw.
One feels Jonny Mac would have a field day in the continual dumbing down and "popular front" of the Labour govt - what on earth is Jack Straw doing personally intervening in this case??? Have we caught all the other criminals, stopped the terrorists and he thought he could do this just before he went home???
Harsh it may be, but after quite some reflection, i say good riddance, Jade. The world simply does not need you. Any complaints, please write them on a back of a £10 note and send them to Cancer Research. Catholics may forgive and forget for a deathbed confession, but personally i just keep thinking of the word "karma"... one this media whore probably has no idea about at all.